Being Aggressively Adored: I Am A Hypocrite.

Have you ever been in a relationship, one where you have silent expectations of another person? They ofcourse meet some of them, as we are Human, but there are also the ones that they miss, the ones that were set WAAAYYY too high.

I'm not any better than my exes, I might actually be worse. I am neglectful of blatant expressions of love, I'm rude, and I put myself and my future before all the people that I tell myself I care about. I dont reach out to people, I put myself through isolation if I believe that the people around me are subpar. I'm strictly me focused. I'm a narcissist, it's always me, me, me. No one else exists the majority of the days in which I wake up, or if they do they are in my way.

The amount of defensive actions that I fall into are so fucking exhausting. I cant even look at my face sometimes, I get so angry at how people act, how they dress, move about, how their feet point, what their breathe smells like, where they are from... WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT. I AM A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

I sit here and bash myself to make myself feel less guilty, but at the same time it's the only way I think that I can get over it.

I'm stupid, and smart.

I'm in love and I hate everyone.

I think everyone is out to get me and I want to be loved.

I want to open myself up to everyone and I dont want them to talk to me.

I DONT MAKE SENSE. NOTHING I AM DOING MAKES ANY SENSE. I AM JUST FALLING BACK INTO THE LOOP OF SELF DESTRUCTION. LOOP AFTER LOOP AFTER FUCKING LOOP.

ALL I THINK THAT IS WORTH DOING IS THREATENING TO END EVERY RELATIONSHIP, BECAUSE MAYBE I CAN TAKE THAT TIME TO FIX MYSELF BECAUSE I AM NOT READY FOR ANYTHING ANYMORE.

My entire world view is based on survival in the optics of others and mysticism on my own private time. I'm falling for my own elitist mentality and faulty mental formations. All of these thoughts are not mine, they come from what ive learned and I hate them, but I hate feeling stagnant. I have to keep going or what am I worth. Who am I trying to prove worth to??

I HATE YOU FUCKING CONFUSING ASS MULTIFACETED FINE SPACED ALL KNOWING UNKNOWN UNKNOWN FEELINGS.

ITS OKAY TO NOT KNOW WHAT IS COMING NEXT.

I love you. - Amir K